A Death in the Family

(PAUSE)

A cloying rise to success. Good old Harold and I...we realized all our dreams.

(PAUSE)

And then the bottom fell out. Just like that. Poof...dead.

(PAUSE)

And all in the absence of love.

(HARVEY AND SYLVIA ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN)

HARVEY
Sure is dark out here.

(HE FLICKS A LIGHT SWITCH, WHICH ILLUMINATES THE STAGE. ALICE IS ROUSED FROM HER REVERIE.)

SYLVIA
We did the dishes.

ALICE
Thank you.

SYLVIA
Thank you, Mrs. Ford. Dinner was excellent.

HARVEY
(HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) I wonder why Michael is so late.

SYLVIA
Traffic, probably. I'm sure he'll be here any minute now.

ALICE
He said he'd be home in time for dinner.

HARVEY
Maybe something delayed him at the mortuary.

(ALMOST CHOKING ON THE WORDS) I'm not looking forward to that funeral, you know.

SYLIVA
I still can't believe that---

HARVEY
Yes. It does seem strange.

(PAUSE)

But mom, I'm amazed that you're still...functioning.

ALICE
I try to ignore the pain.

HARVEY
Though I do agree with Sylvia. I'm still having trouble accepting the fact that father is...uh...

ALICE
Dead.

(PAUSE)

The funeral will make it all seem real enough, I guess.

(MICHAEL ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE IS ALL BUNDLED UP IN A HEAVY COAT, MUFFLER, AND GLOVES.)

MICHAEL
Damn. It's colder than the proverbial witch's tit out there. Sorry I'm late, mom.

(HE HANGS HIS THINGS UP ON THE RACK BY THE DOOR)

ALICE
What held you up?

MICHAEL
(HE WALKS OVER TO THE BAR AND POURS HIMSELF A DRINK) Ah, anti-freeze...sweet elixir of warmth. What held me up? A highwayman...ha, ha, ha.

(NOBODY ELSE RESPONDS TO HIS JOKE)

A throng of people came by to view the body right before I left.

ALICE
Oh.

MICHAEL
Neat...huh? I guess daddy had lots of friends, eh?

HARVEY
There were a lot of people there?

MICHAEL
That's what I said, kid.

HARVEY
(VERY BUSINESSLIKE) Like who?

MICHAEL
(OFFHAND) Ohhh...there was Roscoe Johnson, Larry Lee. And that Bob what's-his-name who used to live next door to us. Annnnd, there was---

HARVEY
Bob Warner was there?

MICHAEL
And a lot of folks I didn't know from Adam.

HARVEY
Bob Warner and father weren't even on speaking terms with each other.

MICHAEL
There was many a strange face there, Harvey my boy.

HARVEY
They were probably business friends. But Bob Warner...damn.

MICHAEL
Whatever.

(HE RAISES HIS GLASS IN A MOCK TOAST)

Here's to Bobby Warner.

ALICE
Did anybody say...anything?

MICHAEL
(CASUALLY) Just the usual garbage: "We're sure sorry it had to happen...he really does look great...we don't understand, but the Lord works in a mysterious way sometimes." And on and on. The same hackneyed crap people always mutter in the face of death.

HARVEY
(THOUGHTFULLY) He does look pretty good considering that---

MICHAEL
(BITTER) He looks dead. It's as simple as that.

ALICE
(ALMOST DISBELIEVING) There were really that many people there?

MICHAEL
(NOW BORED WITH THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION, JUST A BIT IRRITATED) Yes...there were really that many people there. You would've thought that somebody was handing out door prizes or something.

SYLVIA
(INNOCENTLY) How considerate of everybody.

(NO RESPONSE)

You know...to show up like that.

ALICE
(SHARPLY) The bastards.

HARVEY
(A MILD REPROACH) Mother...

ALICE
Aren't they?

MICHAEL
(MUTTERING) Aren't we all?

ALICE
(IGNORING HIM) Once you're dead...that's when people start to appreciate you.

MICHAEL
(LIGHTLY, SIPPING HIS DRINK) That's the price one pays for being a philanthropist. An occupational hazard, as it were. Guess you always collect your debts at your own funeral. Especially a banker...ha, ha. ha.

ALICE
(STILL IGNORING HIM) Jackals...goddamn jackals...that's all those mourners are. They scurry home each evening and cheerfully wring out those false tears from their crying towels.

MICHAEL
Good God...listen to this.

ALICE
He'll be long gone and forgotten by nine o'clock tomorrow morning.

MICHAEL
(PUTTING A SLIGHT EDGE ON IT) I don't think so. At least not by nine o'clock. Maybe by ten, when the funeral's over...but not nine.

ALICE
Those phonies make me want to vomit.

MICHAEL
Then go to the bathroom.

HARVEY
(To MICHAEL) You have a perfect sense of timing.

MICHAEL
(LIGHTLY) Weddings and funerals bring out the best in people.

(SERIOUS NOW)

Actually, I'm just trying to keep things in perspective.

(TO ALICE) There's no harm...I mean you have a right to feel embittered. But we've all got to maintain a sense of humor. Otherwise...well, we'll go crazy.

(PAUSE)

You know what I mean?

ALICE
(STILL OBLIVIOUS TO MICHAEL) When you live with someone for a long time...for thirty-eight years...your lives become fused together...into one. It's a slow, gradual process...so slow that you're unaware of it. That's the essence of marriage, I suppose...a man and a woman into one...mutually dependent upon each other.

(PAUSE)

And then the balance is upended.

MICHAEL
And so we feel sorry for ourselves. We enter a state of phony perpetual mourning.

ALICE
(QUIETLY) No...

HARVEY
(TO MICHAEL) You're not being very fair.

ALICE
That's all right, dear. Your big brother is not a compassionate man. That's how he rose to the top of his profession.

MICHAEL
(CALMLY) Thanks ma...you're the object of my affections, too. Now...don't you think it's about time to cut the melodrama?

ALICE
YOUR FATHER'S DEATH IS NOT A MELODRAMA!! It's real.

(SILENCE)

SYLVIA
How was your flight yesterday, Mike?

MICHAEL
(SULKING) I got here, didn't I?

(ANOTHER SILENCE)

SYLVIA
(TO MICHAEL) What's the weather like in Chicago this time of year? I've never been there, you know.

MICHAEL
(UNWILLING TO COOPERATE WITH HER) Like it usually is, cold and windy.

(ONCE AGAIN, SILENCE)

HARVEY
How's business?

MICHAEL
I think I'm in line for another promotion.

SYLVIA
(STILL TRYING) That's wonderful, Mike. Congratulations.

MICHAEL
I haven't got it yet.

ALICE
(BITING) But you will. Whatever Michael wants, Michael gets. Am I not correct?

MICHAEL
(IBID) Thanks for the compliment, mommy. Does that mean I'm out of the will now?

ALICE
What makes you think you were ever included in the first place? You're a big shot executive from Chicago. Why play for pennies when you can have millions? Right? Actually, I don't even know why you bothered to come home...home? What a joke...for the funeral in the first place. After all, it's only your father.

MICHAEL
Screw you.

ALICE
Poor baby...the truth does hurt. Doesn't' it?

SYLVIA
Perhaps I should go home.

HARVEY
(TO ALICE) You're not being very fair.

MICHAEL
(PARROTING ALICE) That's all right, dear...your mother has never been famous for her self restraint.

SYLVIA (A LITTLE LOUDER THIS TIME) I really must be going.

MICHAEL
Why? Things getting a little too hot for you to handle? Don't you like the taste of blood? Mommy does. Or do you have a weak stomach?

HARVEY
Hey...lay off.

MICHAEL
(NOT SORRY) Sorry.

SYLVIA
(LOOKING HARD AT MICHAEL) It's getting late...I should leave.

HARVEY
Syl...our family reunions usually aren't like this.

SYLVIA
Please...don't apologize.

(TO MICHAEL)

I understand.

MICHAEL
Harv's right, you know. We're just one big happy family. A bit more colorful than most, perhaps, but one big happy family nonetheless. We're gangs of fun...once you get to know us. Honest.

HARVEY
You'll have to excuse my brother, he's---

MICHAEL
Yes, I'm---

SYLVIA
Mentally unbalanced?

MICHAEL
I'll let that slide, babe.

SYLVIA
How condescending.

(SHE PUTS ON HER COAT)

Well, time to go.

HARVEY
Okay.

(PAUSE)

I guess we'll be by to get you around eight. The funeral's at nine.

SYLVIA
All right. I'll see you in the morning.

(SHE KISSES HARVEY ON THE CHEEK THEN LEAVES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

HARVEY
(TO MICHAEL) Thanks for the embarrassment.

MICHAEL
My pleasure. Think nothing of it.

HARVEY
She probably thinks we're a family of loonies.

MICHAEL
(LIGHTLY) And she's probably right.

(TO ALICE) Right?

HARVEY
I think you owe mother an apology.

MICHAEL
For what? I certainly don't regret---

ALICE
That's right...you're above reproach.

MICHAEL
(NASTY NOW) I think you've missed the point, mother dear. I think you're feeling just a bit too sorry for yourself.

ALICE
And what am I supposed to do? Jump up and down like a gazelle and be happy and gay? Ignore...reality. Should I do this?

(SHE JUMPS UP FROM HER CHAIR AND STARTS PRANCING ABOUT THE ROOM)

HARVEY
Mother...

MICHAEL
Sit down...

ALICE
Oh excuse me, your highness. I didn't realize that you're the hall monitor now. But, then again, you always were part of the elite...so the rest of us peons should---

MICHAEL
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

(SHE SITS)

HARVEY
What would father say if he saw us bickering like this?

MICHAEL
Who cares?

HARVEY
You know, your whole attitude about this thing is really starting to bother me.

MICHAEL
Oh...I forgot. Say nothing but good of the dead. Right?

HARVEY
Listen, you're not---

ALICE
That's crass. That's really crass.

MICHAEL
No...it's honest. At least you can't call me a hypocrite.

ALICE
Are you insinuating that I'm a---

MICHAEL
No, I'm saying that you're a hypocrite.

ALICE
And what do you think you are?

MICHAEL
Why, what a stupid question to ask. I'm your son, that's what I am.

(PAUSE)

Sorry mother, but that's a biological fact.

(PAUSE)

And you're wrong. I did...and still do...love my father.

HARVEY
Now what are you talking about?

MICHAEL
I mean that all that crap she said about me, what she's been hinting at is nothing more than an empty, hollow lie.

(TO ALICE) But it does make a dandy cover for your own terrible secret.

ALICE
Meaning what?

MICHAEL
Let's just say that I'm a little more moved by father's death than you're willing to admit.

ALICE
You certainly have an odd way of showing it.

MICHAEL
You're not looking close enough. But, then again, I guess it's rather hard to see anything through that phony veil of sorrow you've been wearing for the last couple of days.

ALICE
HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I ---

MICHAEL
(VERY, VERY CALMLY) Oh come on, mother. You can fool Harvey with your little ruse, but it won't work with me. You talk about the...what did you call them...the jackals that flocked to the mortuary today. Just take a good look at yourself...you're the hungriest jackal of the pack! And all those false tears? Hell mother...yours are made of paper mache.

HARVEY
What is wrong with you!? You can't say that to her. Mother's been through...through pure hell these last three days---

MICHAEL
I'll bet.

HARVEY
...and then you have the nerve to say that she's just play-acting.

MICHAEL
Did I say she was play-acting? I never said that. You're just reading between the lines.

ALICE
You don't have to say...anything. Your message is coming in loud and clear.

(PAUSE)

And I think it's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

MICHAEL
Disgusting, eh?

ALICE
Yes.

MICHAEL
Well...now that we've stumbled upon the subject, I might as well tell you a little story that father told me right after I graduated from college. It's hideous, it's embarrassing...it's not very original, but it's painfully true.

(PAUSE)

After commencement, dad said he wanted to see me at his office...said he had something important he wanted to say to me before I left for Chicago. And what he said was this,"Son, I want you to know that I'm very, very proud of you. I'm glad you're going out on your own, rather than staying here and going into the business with me. I think you'll go far."

(PAUSE)

Well...so far, so good. I'd expect him to say something along those lines. But still...it gave me this soaring sense of power just to hear him say it himself. And at that very moment...nothing was said for we didn't have to...I knew how much dad really loved me. It was magic...it had to be.

(PAUSE)

Maybe that sounds somewhat corny. But it's true.

(PAUSE)

But...but after that dad leaned over his desk and said...and he said it so earnestly that it frightened me..."Michael, before you venture out into this back-stabbing world, I'd like to offer you one little tidbit of advice. Now I'm not going to lecture you on the ways of this evil world...you already know about them. Or you will in time. What I am going to say is simple. If you want to stay happy, then stay single."

(PAUSE)

I told him I didn't know what he meant...it all sounded so out of context.

(PAUSE)

And then came the clincher. He said "your mother and I have a secret...a sad and terrible secret. It's a secret that she's never been willing to admit. You see, our marriage was founded on mutual...hate. She despises me...and I'm not too awful fond of her. The only reason we've stayed together all these years is because I've...not her, mind you...but I've wanted you and Harvey to grow up in some sort of a semblance of a family atmosphere. It worked because I brought home a healthy paycheck...so your mother was content. And I was able to ignore her little one night stands...her slumber parties...with the boys. Anyway, as soon as Harvey...since you already have...gets out on his own, we'll call it quits...I'll call it quits. We'll either get a divorce...or she'll run me straight into my grave."

(PAUSE)

And then he told me not to let this...this news bother me. Just consider it.

(PAUSE)

The whole thing almost sounded comical. You see, I'd always had it in my mind that Harold and Alice Ford represented the epitome of marital bliss.

(PAUSE)

But that was due to the fact that father was one hell of an actor.

(PAUSE)

And he did it for you and me, Harv. I'll always love him for that.

(WITH INTENSITY) And I never forgot what he told me in that office so long ago. And I've also come to realize over the years that every word he uttered was true.

(A LONG ALMOST DEADLY SILENCE FOLLOWS)

HARVEY
That's kind of hard to swallow.

MICHAEL
Perhaps...but it's digestible.

ALICE
Do you really expect us to believe a story like that?

MICHAEL
I guess it's your privilege not to.

(VICIOUSLY) But you know damn well that it's true.

HARVEY
How come father never---

ALICE
YOUR FATHER AND I LOVED EACH OTHER DEARLY!! And...if what you've said is true...how come we remained married long after you and Harvey had grown up? You are grown up...aren't you? Answer that one...since you seem to be the fountain of knowledge in this family.

MICHAEL
(CALMLY) He said when we were both out on our own...not when we'd grown up. There's a difference. I mean, Harvey's not exactly self-supporting...being that he's still lounging around at home with his mommy.

HARVEY
What in the hell gives you the right to---

ALICE
That's a pretty lame explanation, if you ask me.

MICHAEL
Nobody asked you.

ALICE
I don't even know why I'm bothering to listen to this. You're just rattling off lies.

(PAUSE)

My own son...saying that...HOW DARE YOU!! Your father and I were as close as...as two people ever could be to each other.

MICHAEL
IS THAT WHY HE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND SCATTERED HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THE WALL WITH A SHOTGUN!!? Did he do that because he loved you so? Now that I think of it, I guess he really did call it quits between the two of you...and in a very effective manner!

ALICE
(CRYING) You cruel son of a bitch...I regret the day you were ever born. You're not my son...you're a monster! You're...you're...OHHHH!!!

(SHE THROWS HER BRANDY SNIFTER AT MICHAEL)

MICHAEL
(CALMLY, WITH A CHUCKLE) I'm not cruel. And I'm certainly no monster.

(HE POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK)

And I'm definitely not a liar. You can deny the truth to your deathbed if you want to...but it won't change a damn thing. The truth...remains the truth.

(SILENCE)

ALICE
(BREAKING DOWN AND APPEALING) Harvey...Michael. I did care once. And his death does hurt.

(PAUSE)

But something went sour along the way. I don't know, we just couldn't seem to get along after a few years together. And I'm not lying when I say that your father's death makes me...makes me...Michael, you have to believe me. Maybe it was my fault...but never in my wildest dreams did I want him to kill himself. The horror I felt when I walked into that bathroom and saw what he'd done to himself will live with me forever. I just...I just want to say I'm...I'm...(TOTAL BREAKDOWN, SHE IS UNABLE TO SPEAK COHERENTLY)

MICHAEL
Sorry?

ALICE
What?

MICHAEL
Never mind.

HARVEY
(HE WALKS OVER TO ALICE AND PLACES HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER; TO MICHAEL) All right, that's enough.

MICHAEL
I agree. Enough.

ALICE
It wasn't my fault.

HARVEY
(SOFTLY) Nobody's blaming you.

(PAUSE)

Mother, you're tired. Why don't you go to bed and try to get some sleep?

ALICE
I don't think I could.

HARVEY
Try. Tomorrow's going to be a long day.

ALICE
(WITH A SIGH) All right.

(PAUSE)

I'll take some of those pills the doctor gave me. Maybe they'll help.

HARVEY
Now you're being a good girl.

ALICE
Right...I'm always a good girl.

(MICHAEL CHUCKLES SARDONICALLY; HARVEY GLARES AT HIM)

ALICE
What time should I get you up in the morning?

HARVEY
Ohhh...about seven.

(A SHORT PAUSE)

ALICE
Okay.

(PAUSE)

Good night.

MICHAEL
Sleep well, mother.

(ALICE EXITS THROUGH THE HALLWAY)

Sleep well.

(HARVEY STARTS WALKING TOWARD THE HALLWAY)

Where are you going? Certainly not to bed.

HARVEY
Just to the bathroom. I'll be back after I empty my tank.

(HE LEAVES)

MICHAEL
Ten four...good buddy.

(THE FOLLOWING SPEECH IS SIMILAR TO ALICE'S OPENING LINES. THE LIGHTING SHOULD BE SUBDUED, SUGGESTING, ONCE AGAIN, A DREAM. MICHAEL CROSSES, PEERS INTO A KITCHEN, PERHAPS FLIPPING A LIGHT SWITCH TO DARKEN THE SET. HE RETURNS TO THE BAR, LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, AND BEGINS HIS SPEECH)

MICHAEL
Sooo...who am I? Ha, ha....I'm Michael Ford, that's who I am. But, then again, what's in a name?

(PAUSE)

I...am...a...mad...man. I am a mad madman. That's the only thing I do know about this sordid little world I've created for myself. Oh, I know other things, to be sure, but it's really a useless type of knowledge...once you scrape away all the bone and get into the marrow.

(PAUSE)

What do I know? What is important? WHAT!?

(PAUSE)

I am alive. I am alive and I live in fear of...of failure...? Perhaps.

(PAUSE)

It's quite ironic, I think. We grope and scratch and fight for something, then once we finally lay our hands on it, we're still somewhat unsatisfied. We feel a vague sense of...loss. Yes...loss.

(PAUSE)

Which has nothing whatsoever to do with what I'm thinking about.

(PAUSE)

The fact that I'm crazy, however, is quite paramount. Perhaps that realization is actually the only means I have to understand and define myself.

(PAUSE)

Oh, how obtuse!

(A LONG PAUSE; HE TAKES A DRAW OR TWO FROM HIS CIGARETTE)

I'm insane. Crazy. Demented and disordered. I have to be...that's part of the game. Too bad nobody ever took the time to explain the rules to me. Ah...the proverbial vicious circle.

(STIFFLY; LIKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT)

I'm not a happy man.

(PAUSE)

Shit...where do I go from here? Should I continue to live this lie that the pundits call...life? It is inconsequential, you know. Save for the fact that it's running circles 'round my sanity. Play the game? Ha, ha...why not? Can't think of anything better to do...except possibly commit a little suicide. No...can't do that. Not the macho thing to do. Well then...well.

(PAUSE; SUDDENLY)

GOD!! What a hypocrite I am! I call my mother a liar...never mind the fact that she is...and then, not bothering to mention in the interim that I'm as big a fraud as she is, I place myself on some pious pedestal of honesty. I have my own fears, ghosts, ghouls, and whores in the closet, but no, no, no...I go right ahead and condemn my own mother for playing the same damn game.

(PAUSE)

Oh well. I guess it's fashionable to do so...long as you don't get caught. Ha, ha...long as you don't get caught with your hand in the cash register.

So...where do I go from here? That's an honest question. Can't kill myself...ten yard penalty for doing that.

(HARVEY ENTERS)

Guess I'll have to take my frustrations out on somebody else.

HARVEY
(THE SET IS ILLUMINATED AGAIN) Talking to yourself?

MICHAEL
(STARTLED) What?

HARVEY
I asked you if you were talking to yourself.

MICHAEL
No. Not really.

HARVEY
First sign of mental illness.

MICHAEL
What?

HARVEY
First sign of mental illness...talking to yourself.

MICHAEL
That a fact?

HARVEY
It's gospel. Read it in the National Enquirer.

MICHAEL
Wonderful.

HARVEY
What?

MICHAEL
I said that's wonderful...I'm very happy to learn that you can read.

HARVEY
(WITH A TRACE OF BITTERNESS) Yeah...I can read. Some of the things I can do just might surprise you.

MICHAEL
I know. Sylvia told me about your little nocturnal adventures in the sack.

HARVEY
That's probably more than you can say.

MICHAEL
(NOT RISING TO IT) Probably.

HARVEY
(PATRONIZING HIM) I was only kidding. You know me...I always kid.

MICHAEL
How commendable.

HARVEY
Hunh? What?

MICHAEL
(LOST IN THOUGHT) What?

HARVEY
What did you just say?

MICHAEL
I asked you what you just said.

(PAUSE; WITH SARCASM)

I was joshing you, my lad. You know me...I always josh.

HARVEY
Is that what you were doing to mother a little while ago? Hell of a way of amusing yourself, if you ask me.

MICHAEL
Nobody asked you...so never mind. All right?

(PAUSE)

How about a drink? We haven't had a drink together for a long, long time.

HARVEY
We've never had a drink together.

MICHAEL
Now's a good time to start a tradition, don't you think?

HARVEY
Guess so...Scotch for me, if you don't mind.

MICHAEL
(POURING THE DRINKS) No objection whatsoever, my dear little brother.

HARVEY
Well...

MICHAEL
Well?

HARVEY
Well...here we are.

MICHAEL
Or so goes the cliché.

(PAUSE)

When are you and Sylvia getting married?

HARVEY
We haven't set a date yet. Probably sometime next year.

MICHAEL
No shit?

HARVEY
Yes.

MICHAEL
(RAPID FIRED NOW) You love her?

HARVEY
Of course I love her.

MICHAEL
She love you?

HARVEY
Yes.

(PAUSE)

Why are you asking me these stupid questions?

MICHAEL
I have a talent for it. How are you going to support her? Or is she going to support you?

HARVEY
Why do you want to know?

MICHAEL
Somebody's gotta pay the bills. I just figure it'd be a good idea to know whose responsibility that is before you get married.

HARVEY
I appreciate your concern...but I think we'll be just fine, thank you.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
She makes more money than you do...doesn't she?

HARVEY
Sylvia?

MICHAEL
Yes...Sylvia. You know...your fiancee. Certainly she hasn't gotten lost in the shuffle of this fascinating conversation.

(PAUSE)

She makes more money than you do...doesn't she?

HARVEY
Listen, I don't know what it is you're driving at...but why don't you just lay off. It's none of your business how much money she makes or I make...or anybody else makes, for that matter. Why don't you ask me something more appropriate...like when I usually have my bowel movement in the morning. All right?

MICHAEL
Sorry.

HARVEY
(BECOMING IRRATIONAL) Well...Jesus Christ! I'm getting just a little tired of your ego trips. If you have to build yourself up by cutting someone else down, well I'd appreciate it if you looked elsewhere for your jollies.

MICHAEL
Oh...ho, ho. Don't get heated...okay?

HARVEY
Well, just remember that I have my pride, too.

MICHAEL
I know. I'm not trying to take it away from you, either.

(PAUSE)

But it is true that a college professor makes more money than an assistant manager at a hobby shop. Sorry about that, chump...but that's just callin' it the way it is.

HARVEY
Big deal. We love each other...and that's all that really matters. Income means nothing. I don't care if she makes ten times as much as I do. Because it just doesn't matter...can you understand that?

MICHAEL
Does she?

HARVEY
Does she what?

MICHAEL
Does Sylvia understand that love shouldn't appear on the income statement?

HARVEY
Yes.

MICHAEL
You sure?

HARVEY
Yes!

MICHAEL
Ever talk to her about it?

HARVEY
Of course not.

MICHAEL
Then how do you know?

HARVEY
I just do.

MICHAEL
You just do...ha, ha. You ought to discuss it with her sometime.

HARVEY
What for?

MICHAEL
For the hell of it.

HARVEY
Yeah...for the hell of it. You know, I never have any idea whether or not you're being serious with me.

MICHAEL
I'm serious.

HARVEY
So you want me to talk to my girlfriend about finances just for the hell of it?

MICHAEL
No.

HARVEY
What then?

MICHAEL
I think you should talk to her about the psychological effect a wife's making more money than her husband has on a marriage. It's a question of status, actually. I just don't want to see you emasculated...especially before you have a chance to consummate the marriage.

HARVEY
I don't...I don't get it.

MICHAEL
(LIGHTLY) Oh...well, I'll explain it later.

HARVEY
(SUPPLICATING) Why not tell me now?

MICHAEL
Because I enjoy being cryptic.

(PAUSE)

Another drink?

HARVEY
(GIVING UP ON IT) Sure.

MICHAEL
(AS HE POURS THE DRINKS) You're sticking with Scotch, aren't you?

HARVEY
Uh hunh.

(MICHAEL HANDS HIM HIS DRINK)

Thanks.

MICHAEL
Don't thank me...you guys bought the booze.

HARVEY
True, true.

(PAUSE)

Did you really talk to Sylvia about...our sex life?

MICHAEL
(DRY) Yeah...she told me all about it in the back seat of my car last night.

HARVEY
(SMILING) Ah...I wondered how you knew.

(PAUSE)

In other words, you know nothing.

MICHAEL
Of course I don't.

(PAUSE)

Why do you want to know?

HARVEY
Just checking.

MICHAEL
Why? You get her pregnant?

HARVEY
(TIMIDLY) No...

MICHAEL
Then why did you ask?

HARVEY
(VINDICTIVELY) Just being...cryptic.

MICHAEL
Just being cryptic, eh? Well...up yours, buddy.

HARVEY
(SARCASTICALLY) Are you getting angry?

(A SHORT SILENCE)

MICHAEL
No...Harv, I stopped pissing myself off years ago. Anger is a valueless emotion, actually. See?

HARVEY
No.

MICHAEL
(IGNORING THE ABOVE) Let's just say that what you perceive to be nothing less than rage and fury in me is nothing more than a method...not anger, mind you...but a method of expressing a totally different type of...emotion.

HARVEY
(TOTALLY BEWILDERED) What?

MICHAEL
You heard me...a method.

HARVEY
I know I heard you...okay, I'll play your silly little guessing game. What emotion are you expressing when you appear to be...mad?

MICHAEL
Acute cynicism.

HARVEY
(NOT KIND) Oh, come off it.

MICHAEL
I mean that. When I get mad, I get cynical...not mad.

HARVEY
Oh. So you got cynical at mother a little while ago?

MICHAEL
No, I got mad. I got mad because I had to get cynical.

HARVEY
You just got through telling me that you don't get mad anymore.

MICHAEL
Sue me.

(THEY BOTH LAUGH)

HARVEY
You belong in an institution.

MICHAEL
Tell me something I don't know.

HARVEY
All right.

(PAUSE)

Sylvia's a virgin.

MICHAEL
(FRIENDLY SARCASM) Oh...yeah. Uh hunh.

HARVEY
She is.

MICHAEL
She isn't.

HARVEY
She is.

MICHAEL
She is not. Nobody's a virgin anymore.

HARVEY
She is. Really...she is.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
You're serious, aren't you?

HARVEY
Yes.

MICHAEL
And just how did you come across this interesting little piece of gossip?

HARVEY
She told me.

MICHAEL
She told you. Boy, do you have a lot to learn. They all say that.

HARVEY
How do you know?

MICHAEL
You a virgin too?

HARVEY
(REIGNED INDIGNATION) That's an impolite question.

MICHAEL
You are.

(PAUSE)

Do you believe her? I mean, it's rather hard to fathom...a woman her age.

HARVEY
She's twenty-eight.

MICHAEL
And so independent, too. Hell, she wasn't even wearing a bra tonight.

HARVEY
She is...she's a virgin. She said we'd have to wait 'till after the wedding to...uh, you know.

MICHAEL
Make fickey fick.

HARVEY
And then it'd be all right.

MICHAEL
And you swallowed the story...hook, line and pantyhose.

HARVEY
Because it's true.

(PAUSE)

You see, some of Sylvia's ideas are quite strange.

(PAUSE)

And once she's convinced herself about something...well, you'd probably have better luck trying to impregnate the Statue of Liberty.

(PAUSE)

And I do respect her.

MICHAEL
Oh...for sure.

(HE CHUCKLES AT THE THOUGHT)

HARVEY
Soooo...when she said she was a virgin and planned to remain one until she got married...at least on principle---

MICHAEL
On principle?

HARVEY
On principle. I figured it was her right to do so.

(PAUSE)

And I'll abide by it in the meantime...I guess.

(PAUSE)

But it does get hard sometimes.

MICHAEL
(SMILING; SEEING THE PUN) Indeed...I can imagine it does.

HARVEY
Smart ass...you know what I mean.

MICHAEL
(A SMALL REVELATION) And that's why you started to get bent out of shape when I, in my own little indiscreet way, made reference to you and Sylvia having, God forbid, engaged in...pre-matrimonial sex.

HARVEY
I wasn't upset. I just wanted you to know the facts.

MICHAEL
Uh hunh.

(PAUSE)

Liar...you two have done it.

HARVEY
We haven't.

(HE GOES OVER TO THE BAR)

MICHAEL
I don't believe you. You know what I think?

HARVEY
What?

MICHAEL
I think she brewed up that tale about being a virgin because she has the clap...and she won't be through with the treatment until after the wedding.

(SILENCE; THERE IS NO RESPONSE FROM HARVEY)

That was a joke, Harv.

HARVEY
(DEADPAN) Oh. Drink?

MICHAEL
Another? Sure...why not?

(HARVEY BRINGS HIM A DRINK)

What would your dear, sweet mother...who is sleeping like a princess right now...think if she knew we were boozing it up like a couple of skid-row drunks on the eve of our poor father's funeral? Getting plowed before the obsequy isn't part of the ritual yet...is it?

HARVEY
(WEARILY) Don't start in again.

MICHAEL
Start in on what?

HARVEY
On mother, or father, or...or me, for that matter.

MICHAEL
All right...didn't mean to offend you.

(PAUSE)

So...she's a virgin, eh?

HARVEY
You seem to be dwelling on that subject. I wish you wouldn't. Tell me about your sex life.

MICHAEL
No way.

HARVEY
(LIGHTLY) Suit yourself. But when all my friends ask me if you're gay---

MICHAEL
Gay?

HARVEY
Because you're not married yet.

(PAUSE)

Well, don't blame me if I can't provide them with a decent answer.

MICHAEL
Don't burden yourself with such a heavy task, sweetie. I'll take the cross off of your shoulders right now. Tell them not to worry, I'm a bona fide heterosexual...

(HE THRUSTS HIS PELVIS FORWARD AND THEN BACK)

And I humped their girlfriends when they were in high school.

HARVEY
(WITH MOCK ADMIRATION) No kidding? That's quite a feat. I mean, when you were in high school...at the height of your career...you were eighteen years old. Which means my friends' girlfriends were about fourteen yours old.

MICHAEL
I like girls that learn early. Beside, I said when they were in high school, not me.

HARVEY
You were in Chicago when they were in high school.

MICHAEL
Technicality.

(THEY BOTH CHUCKLE, THEN SILENCE)

How did you meet her, anyway?

HARVEY
Who?

MICHAEL
Sylvia...Sylvia the virgin. Ring a bell?

HARVEY
I met her at work. She came into the shop one day.

MICHAEL
Fascinating.

HARVEY
Yes, she came in to the shop one day. And I thought she was just damn---

MICHAEL
What was she doing in a hobby shop? Buying a model of a B-17?

HARVEY
No, she's into macrame...she needed to get some stuff. Anyway, I thought she was just damn gorgeous...so I asked her out that night.

MICHAEL
You move quick, stud.

HARVEY
She accepted...and the rest is history.

MICHAEL
And she told you she was a virgin...and was going to remain one, of all the stupid things, when you asked her for her hand in holy matrimony. Or did you beg for her chastity?

HARVEY
(QUIETLY) I asked her for her hand, Michael.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
Sooo...boy meets girl at hobby shop, courts her for a respectable period of time...

HARVEY
Four months.

MICHAEL
Four months, he courts her for four long, sexless, boring months...then asks her to marry him. She says yes, tells him she is a virgin, a virgin college professor at a rather minor private college.

HARVEY
That's not the whole---

MICHAEL
And they marry. Ah, such a happy ending...don't you think?

HARVEY
I don't like your sarcasm.

MICHAEL
And she makes more money than you do.

HARVEY
I think we'd better change the subject before I get---

MICHAEL
Cynical?

HARVEY
(RESIGNED) Forget it.

(PAUSE)

You know, you amaze me...you really do amaze me sometimes. I can't believe how detached you are...how far out of touch you've been all these years.

MICHAEL
You take care of your own dirty linen, not mine.

HARVEY
I AM TAKING CARE OF IT!

(PAUSE)

I'm sorry...I didn't mean to scream.

(GRADUALLY WORKING HIMSELF TO TEARS DURING THE FOLLOWING)

Michael, you haven't been a part of this family for ten years. When you left home for college...well, it just seemed that...that we lost you a long time ago...didn't we? It was one obligatory visit at Christmas. That's all we ever really saw of you. Or heard...of you.

(PAUSE)

People would ask about you...what you were up to, what you were doing, and so on. But we didn't have an answer for them. We didn't have an answer because we didn't know. You were the mystery man of the family...the headless horseman, an enigma.

(PAUSE)

And then, after awhile, the questions stopped. Nobody even bothered to ask them anymore...they knew we couldn't answer them.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
You seem to be none the worse for it. At least I didn't stick around and engage in emotional warfare with---

HARVEY
Oh, but you're wrong there. It devastated father...hurt him something fierce.

(PAUSE)

And I have my scars too.

MICHAEL
(Genuinely surprised.) He did?

HARVEY
You really didn't know that, did you?

MICHAEL
(QUIETLY) No.

HARVEY
It damn near killed father. He'd talk about you all the time. He'd sit in his den at night and wonder.

MICHAEL
Wonder?

HARVEY
Wonder why you never called him or wrote to him. Or visited him.

(PAUSE)

Mike, he loved you...he loved you as much as a father ever could love his son. And he was so proud of you. He'd brag about you all the time.

MICHAEL
Now you're starting to embellish the damn thing.

HARVEY
No I'm not. Mike, you were his favorite.

MICHAEL
(LIGHTLY) Naturally.

HARVEY
I'M SERIOUS DAMIT!

MICHAEL
I know.

HARVEY
(BITTERLY) You were his favorite. His own little pride and joy. And you disappointed him. I don't know...the two of you were so close when we were kids. And then you just drifted apart.

(PAUSE)

Maybe mom's right...maybe he outgrew his usefulness to your great ambitions.

(REALLY NASTY) Or it could be that---

MICHAEL
STOP IT!

(PAUSE)

That's enough.

HARVEY
Oh...you poor son of a bitch.

MICHAEL
I SAID THAT WAS ENOUGH!

(PAUSE)

Let's have another drink.

HARVEY
No.

(SILENCE)

Oh, all right.

MICHAEL
I loved father. Don't you ever forget that. Something else kept me away...detached, as you would have it.

HARVEY
And what was that?

MICHAEL
If you haven't guessed by now, then you never will. Just let it suffice to say that the cold and bitter taste of reality kept me waiting in the wings.

(HE HANDS HIM A DRINK)

HARVEY
I won't pursue it.

MICHAEL
Good.

HARVEY
But I want you to realize one thing; I think you should've stayed in touch with us...for father's sake, if not your own.

MICHAEL
We can't change what was...you can't teach an old hooker new tricks.

HARVEY
I agree. But I think there's one more thing you should know about.

MICHAEL
I've heard enough.

HARVEY
Suit yourself. Stay up in the clouds. I'll stay here on earth, where I'll live, reproduce, and die someday...while probably making a lot of mistakes in the meantime.

(PAUSE)

But at least I'll know what's happening to the people I love. And I'll care. You didn't even know I was getting married, much less had a steady girlfriend, until you got home last night. Did you?

MICHAEL
No.

HARVEY
That's what I call staying---

MICHAEL
(MATTER-OF-FACTLY) Far removed from the action.

HARVEY
Yeah.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
It should've been different.

HARVEY
Yes...it should've.

MICHAEL
(LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, OFFERS ONE TO HARVEY) Cigarette?

HARVEY
I don't smoke...remember?

MICHAEL
I do think that you should talk to Sylvia about that money problem.

HARVEY
There is no problem.

MICHAEL
Before it becomes a money problem, then.

HARVEY
Why don't we change the subject?

MICHAEL
Just one more question. One more kidney punch...okay?

(PAUSE)

You two...you and your bride to be...will need a great deal of money after you get married, what with having to make a down payment on a house, and a waterbed, plus a plethora of bedroom accessories, vibrators, and the like...well, you'll need cold hard cash to buy those tangible luxuries. True or false?

HARVEY
True. But I don't---

MICHAEL
That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.

(SILENCE)

Sooo...

HARVEY
So.

MICHAEL
So...let's move on to merrier subjects. Let's talk about the good old days.

HARVEY
(SULLEN) The good old days really weren't that good.

MICHAEL
(FRATERNIZING) Sure they were. We had a great time growing up together. I used to beat up on you and then you'd go crying to mother...remember?

HARVEY
I remember.

(PAUSE)

I hardly even knew you when we were kids. We didn't do anything together...remember?

MICHAEL
Oh, come off it. We had lots of fun. We used to play army together. Remember how I'd always win? And we collected pictures of naked women...and hid them in that camera box you kept under your bed. And basketball. We'd play basketball out in the driveway, even during the winter.

HARVEY
(RUEFULLY) You always won.

MICHAEL
I was five years older and five inches taller than you. That gave me an edge. See?

HARVEY
I see. You'd also beat up on me. And tease me. And insult me. And then I'd go running off to my room, hurt. You made me feel like a zero. You used to call me that, in fact...a zero. It was painful, Mike. It hurt like hell.

MICHAEL
We were kids.

HARVEY
Maybe...but the scars are still there.

MICHAEL
Well, if I would've known that it upset you---

HARVEY
IT DID! Damit...it did. It upset me, Michael, for years I hated you. I don't know...maybe I was jealous of you. You were always better than me. Daddy's favorite. The Golden Boy who could do no wrong.

(PAUSE)

I looked up to you...but you never looked down at me. In the good old days, as you call them, I was the black sheep of the family...just like you are now.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
How was I to know?

HARVEY
Oh c'mon Mike. You're smart...much smarter than I am. You got good grades in school. You were just so damn self-centered, you couldn't, you wouldn't, recognize the symptoms. You were so damned inconsistent. One minute you'd be my best friend, and then, almost in the same breath, you'd chop my ego down to nothing. Remember how you'd buy me a toy, some stupid little kid's toy, for Christmas---

MICHAEL
I remember.

HARVEY
And then the very next day...the day after Christmas, for God's sake...you'd say that I was immature for having such playthings.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
That's the way I am, Harv. That's the way we all are. I'm sorry, but I'm just a human being. Or at least I was the last time I checked.

HARVEY
How long ago was that?

MICHAEL
(Pontificating now.) And one of the burdens we must bear, as human beings, is inconsistency. I may believe in something steadfastly today...and then be seen carrying a totally different banner tomorrow.

(PAUSE)

"We are all patchwork, and so shapeless and diverse in composition that each bit, each moment, plays its own game. And there is as much difference between us and ourselves as between us and others."

HARVEY
Says who?

MICHAEL
Montaigne.

(PAUSE)

He was a philosopher.

HARVEY
Oh.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
Drink?

HARVEY
I haven't finished the one I've got yet.

MICHAEL
Finish it, then.

HARVEY
(GIGGLES) All right.

MICHAEL
Harv, you don't hate me anymore, do you?

HARVEY
I won't tell you.

MICHAEL
That was the past. Let's not get bogged down in it. Let's forget about the ghosts of yesterday.

HARVEY
You're my brother, Mike. I can't hate you forever.

MICHAEL
Good.

HARVEY
That's the most sentiment I've seen you express since you got that job in Chicago fifteen years ago. When you found out how much they were going to pay you I thought you'd cry. You did, in fact.

MICHAEL
(HANDING HIM A DRINK) I'm a romantic at heart.

(PAUSE)

Harv, why didn't you ever make an effort to really do something with your life? You've got a multitude of talents...how come you've never used them?

HARVEY
What do you mean?

MICHAEL
(INCREDULOUSLY) What do you mean? I mean you're thirty-two years old and still no better off than you were when you were eighteen.

HARVEY
I'm...I'm doing something with my life.

MICHAEL
You're not either.

HARVEY
I am.

MICHAEL
No you're not. You don't even have a decent job. You're not making that much money. And you haven't seen anything. You've never even been out of this county, have you?

HARVEY
No...but I'm---

MICHAEL
And you've never even lived away from home...out on your own, away from mommy.

HARVEY
I think my life is interesting enough.

MICHAEL
Interesting, eh? The most interesting thing you ever do is fill out a credit memorandum now than then. God, is that all you want out of life...credit memos?

HARVEY
Boy, you love the smell of blood, don't you? You're a shark, Mike, you really are. You smell your prey...which, in this case, just happens to be my ego, my self image...and you come swimming right up from the deep and try to bite into every ounce of self respect that I have. It's disgusting. It really is.

MICHAEL
No...in this case, the larder is empty, my friend. Your bones were gnawed clean ages ago. You've made yourself a victim of the system. It's just that you've got your head in the sand...you don't see where you're going...where it's all headed to. You're in a tailspin, little brother. You'll be crashing nose first into the ground pretty soon.

HARVEY
I don't think so. You're blind, Mike, You always have been, I think you always will be.

MICHAEL
That's where you're wrong, sprout. I know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm holding a crystal ball.

(HE LIFTS HIS GLASS AND LOOKS THROUGH IT)

And I can see everything quite well. It's all perfectly clear. You're right in the thick of good old Americana. You're about to take on a wife, which means you'll have kids eventually...probably in the spitting image of their good old daddio. By then, of course, you'll be all settled down; house in the suburbs, bowling on Tuesday, bridge club on Thursday, and Santa Claus for the kiddies at Christmas...ad nauseam, n'cest'ce pas? After that, you and Sylvia will hop on that little choo-choo train that keeps rolling right along to the graveyard...with no stops between points. And what happens when you get there?

Nothing...because nothing really happened along the way, either. The only thing you'll be able to show for your efforts is a silly little gold pocket watch that your buddies will give you when you finally retire...when you finally open the door to your own tomb.

(PAUSE)

A gold pocket watch with some inane inscription on it. Is that what you want, Harvey...is that what you really want?

(SILENCE)

HARVEY
You don't make it sound all that attractive, do you?

MICHAEL
That's because it really isn't.

HARVEY
And I suppose you've stumbled onto something better. You've got the fantastic job...the great way of living that you've found in Chicago that's taken you places where the common man can't go.

MICHAEL
For your information, baby, I lost my job. I was fired last week.

HARVEY
(SHOCKED) No.

MICHAEL
Yes. I'm unemployed at the moment...and damn near broke. My bank account looks like the Gobi Desert right now.

HARVEY
But you told us...you stood right there and you told us that you were in line for another promotion and a big raise.

MICHAEL
I lied.

HARVEY
You lied? Why? Why did you lie?

MICHAEL
You think I want that witch up there to know about this? To give her the satisfaction of knowing that I've failed? I'm no fool, Harv.

HARVEY
You're not being fair. I think mother would understand. After all, you're her son...she cares.

MICHAEL
Wrong again, little brother. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? My own mother...

(PAUSE)

Besides, I'm not willing to take that chance.

HARVEY
Chance? What do you mean...chance? Christ, you make the whole thing sound like just another business venture.

(PAUSE)

We all have to take some chances in life, Mike.

MICHAEL
Yes...we do. But suicide? No way, my friend.

HARVEY
I think you should tell mother about your job. Maybe she can lend you some money or something.

MICHAEL
No. It's none of her goddamned business. And don't you say anything to her, either. I'll grab you by your virginity and throw you right through a hobby shop window if you breathe a word of this to anybody. All right?

HARVEY
Suit yourself...but I think you're making a big mistake.

MICHAEL
I'll be the judge of that.

HARVEY
(GIVING UP) Whatever.

(PAUSE)

Just out of curiosity, why did you get fired?

MICHAEL
No reason, really. My boss...the old bastard...came in while I was cleaning out my desk to chastise me.

(PAUSE)

He said I just couldn't cut the mustard. He said I was a son of a bitch.

(PAUSE)

Well...that was just too much for a man to take. So you know what I did to him?

HARVEY
No.

MICHAEL
I killed him.

(BOTH ERUPT IN DRUNKEN, ALMOST UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER)

HARVEY
How did you kill him?

MICHAEL
I shoved a balance sheet down his throat and then stuffed him into a cash register.

(MORE LAUGHTER; THEN SILENCE)

Guess I'm not gonna get that little gold pocket watch.

HARVEY
No.

MICHAEL
Not from them, anyway.

HARVEY
No...guess not.

(PAUSE)

Do you think mom cut you out of the will...like she said?

MICHAEL
(SURPRISED BY THE BREVITY OF THE QUESTION) No...I don't think so.

(PAUSE)

In fact, I know she didn't.

HARVEY
You do?

MICHAEL
Are you disappointed?

HARVEY
Why should I be disappointed?

MICHAEL
(SPECULATIVE, BUT EXAGGERATING THE POINT) Perhaps you want it all for yourself...for you and the virgin.

HARVEY
I didn't even know what father's will said.

MICHAEL
He didn't have one, so everything went to mom...she being his nearest living relative.

(PAUSE)

The bitch.

HARVEY
How did you get all this information? Did mom tell you?

MICHAEL
Of course not. She doesn't trust me enough. Marvin Shankweiler told me.

HARVEY
Marvin Shankweiler?

MICHAEL
Mom and dad's lawyer.

HARVEY
When?

MICHAEL
I stopped by his office on the way back from the mortuary. That's why I was so late getting home tonight.

HARVEY
What did he tell you?

MICHAEL
We talked about wills. Father didn't have one...and neither does mother.

(PAUSE)

That's how I know mommy didn't cut me out of her will. Such a document doesn't even exist.

HARVEY
Who gets the estate if mother dies and still doesn't have a will?

MICHAEL
We both do...you and I. We'd split it fifty-fifty.

(PAUSE; HE SMILES)

Unless, of course, something happens to you too. Then I'd get the whole pot of gold myself.

HARVEY
(INNOCENTLY) Or vice versa.

(PAUSE)

That's interesting.

MICHAEL
Isn't it though?

HARVEY
But why did you go to all that trouble to find out?

MICHAEL
What trouble? I was just...curious.

HARVEY
Well...thanks for telling me.

MICHAEL
You're welcome.

HARVEY
Funny that mom never mentioned it to me, though.

MICHAEL
It's not really the type of thing that one tends to dwell on, Harv.

HARVEY
Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, it's no big deal.

MICHAEL
That's right...no big deal.

(PAUSE)

Another drink, sir?

HARVEY
I don't know, we've gotta get up---

MICHAEL
Oh c'mon.

HARVEY
In the morning.

MICHAEL
One more drink won't hurt anything. You don't have to get something up tonight, do you? Booze can make that difficult, you know.

HARVEY
Ha, ha...very funny. Go ahead, then...pour me another.

(MICHAEL POURS TWO MORE DRINKS)

MICHAEL
I propose a toast. Here's to good friends, good brothers...and virginity among brother's lovers. Cheers.

HARVEY
(AS HE RAISES HIS GLASS) Smart mouth.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
Soooo...how have you and mother been getting along.

HARVEY
Mother?

MICHAEL
Yes...mother. That good woman upstairs who suckled us when we were young. At least I think we were breast fed...I really can't remember that part of my childhood. But I do think that mommy nursed us herself. Do you know?

HARVEY
No.

MICHAEL
Ah, too bad, too bad. I'd really like to know.

HARVEY
Thinking of going back for seconds?

MICHAEL
Clever...but still crude.

HARVEY
No worse than you.

MICHAEL
True, true.

(PAUSE)

No, I'd just like to know because I read an article in some medical journal that said cow's milk causes cancer...at least in laboratory animals. I just figured it'd be nice to know if you and I are prone to cancer. See?

HARVEY
(GIGGLING) You're getting silly. I've never seen you get silly before.

MICHAEL
(FEIGNED INDIGNATION) Silly? Me? Surely you jest, sir

(PAUSE; HE SIGHS)

It is rather sad though.

HARVEY
What is?

MICHAEL
That things had to work out the way that they did.

HARVEY
What do you mean?

MICHAEL
Oh, let's see...how can I say it?

(STIFFLY, MECHANICALLY) I think it's very depressing that we never really had the chance to be a family. A close family...like you see on television. Where everybody shares the same problems and the same bathroom.

HARVEY
(SOMETHING OF AN ACCUSATION) And whose fault is that?

MICHAEL
Mother's.

HARVEY
Michael...you can't blame her for everything.

MICHAEL
Sure I can.

HARVEY
How?

MICHAEL
How? Boy, you really are dense, aren't you? She's a hateful woman, Harv. Can't you even see that?

HARVEY
(QUIETLY) She's my mother, Mike.

MICHAEL
Big deal.

(PAUSE)

They say that a mother's love is instinctive. You have to earn it from Alice Ford.

(PAUSE)

And so mommy hates me because I didn't play her little game. And mommy hated daddy...so daddy killed himself.

(PAUSE; HE SPEAKS SADLY)

So much for family unity...eh?

HARVEY
(ALMOST SARCASTIC) And what about me? Does she hate me too? What do you think?

Mother loves me. I know she does.

MICHAEL
Small victory.

HARVEY
It's large enough.

MICHAEL
Do you love her?

HARVEY
Yes.

MICHAEL
Why?

HARVEY
Like I said...she's my mother.

MICHAEL
Hell of a reason.

HARVEY
The best.

MICHAEL
That's what I like about you, Harv...you're so damn shallow. Nobody can ever accuse you of being enigmatic. You're as easy to read as a grade school primer. There isn't a complex thought in that simple mind of yours, is there?

HARVEY
(SEETHING) Nobody said you had to be insulting.

MICHAEL
(MATTER-OF-FACTLY) I'm not insulting you. I'm just making the obvious deduction.

HARVEY
(FUMING) Listen, I'm not stupid, so stop talking to me as if I were some kind of three year old! Believe it or not, I can conduct an intelligent conversation. But...if you think I'm such an idiot, then...then I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't even speak to me.

(A VERY LONG SILENCE FOLLOWS)

Well?

MICHAEL
Well what?

HARVEY
Aren't you going to say anything?

MICHAEL
No.

HARVEY
Why?

MICHAEL
You just got through telling me not to converse with you.

HARVEY
Only if you think I'm stupid.

MICHAEL
(NODDING HIS HEAD) Well?

(THEY BOTH GIGGLE)

HARVEY
(STILL LAUGHING) You're drunk.

MICHAEL
So are you.

(A LONG PAUSE)

Let's...eliminate her.

HARVEY
What?

MICHAEL
Let's kill her.

HARVEY
Who? Kill who?

MICHAEL
Her.

MICHAEL
Jesus Christ...do I have to spell everything out for you?

HARVEY
Who's her for God's sake!?

MICHAEL
(SOTTO VOCE) Mother.

HARVEY
Who?

MICHAEL
(LOUDER) Mother.

HARVEY
That's not very funny, if you ask me.

MICHAEL
I'm serious.

HARVEY
You're drunk.

(PAUSE)

You don't know what you're saying.

MICHAEL
(WEARILY) I know what I'm saying. I know what I'm thinking. I wish I didn't. I don't know...I wish I could be more concise about this, but I can't. I guess I just don't have the ability to bridge the gap between my thoughts and the words that would describe them.

(PAUSE)

I feel...compelled.

HARVEY
To kill your own mother?

MICHAEL
Like a divine mission or something.

(HE LAUGHS)

Moses. Just call me Moses. Moses without the tablets, eh?

(PAUSE; HE SPEAKS LIGHTLY)

Anyway, this thing's been eating at me for the last three days...ever since dad blew his head off.

HARVEY
(ALMOST IN A STATE OF SHOCK) But...but why kill mother? Jesus, I can't even believe I'm saying this. This kind of stuff only happens on soap operas.

(PAUSE)

Why, Mike...why?

MICHAEL
Because it's all her fault.

HARVEY
What is?

MICHAEL
Everything. All that crap that's pervaded this family for so many years. She bred hatred. She never let us love one another...always playing one against the other. Like you and me, Harv...one against the other.

(PAUSE)

Well, I could forgive her for all that. You see, they were just petty games. I don't think anybody was seriously hurt by those shenanigans.

(PAUSE)

But father...well that's another story altogether.

HARVEY
Father?

MICHAEL
Father. That's when her little emotional games ceased to be harmless. Mother and father didn't particularly like each other, if you recall. Dad couldn't handle the antipathy...so he blew his brains out.

(REALLY EMOTIONAL NOW)

And it's her fault, damit! It's all her fault! I loved father...and she killed him!

HARVEY
He killed himself.

MICHAEL
How can I ever forgive her for something like that? And, by God, she's going to pay for her misdeeds. Am I getting through to you, Harv?

HARVEY
Yes...you are.

(SILENCE)

So you plan to kill her?

MICHAEL
Yes.

HARVEY
(ALMOST WHINING) But why?

MICHAEL
I just told you.

HARVEY
No you didn't.

MICHAEL
For justice. For vengeance. For my own peace of mind. And for father. That enough reasons?

(SILENCE)

HARVEY
I won't let you do it.

MICHAEL
(WITH AUTHORITY) You have no choice in the matter.

HARVEY
What is life, Mike...what is it worth if a man feels compelled to kill his own mother?

MICHAEL
Life? Life is nothing. Life is a sojourn across a desert floor...at sunset. The sun is going down on us, don't you think?

HARVEY
Says who? Shakespeare?

MICHAEL
Michael Ford.

HARVEY
Well, I don't buy it.

MICHAEL
Good for you.

HARVEY
Michael, what you want to do is...horrid.

MICHAEL
I don't think so.

(PAUSE)

I have no emotional attachments to her...never did. And justice...for that's what this is...has never seemed horrid to me at all.

(SILENCE)

HARVEY
That's pretty heavy, Mike.

(A LONG SILENCE FOLLOWS)

MICHAEL
Are you in on this with me or not?

HARVEY
You're kidding me.

MICHAEL
No...

HARVEY
Mike, you're talking about...murder.

MICHAEL
Only if we get caught.

HARVEY
We?

MICHAEL
Which will never happen.

HARVEY
No...no, I refuse to be part of your...your evil scheme.

MICHAEL
Why?

HARVEY
She's my mother, Mike. Do you really want to kill your own---

MICHAEL
Yes.

HARVEY
You have no compassion at all, do you?

(PAUSE)

How could I ever kill the woman who cared enough to bring me into this world?

MICHAEL
Cared!? Let me set the record straight right now, my friend.

(Softly) You were not a wanted child, Harv.

HARVEY
You're lying.

MICHAEL
I'm not lying.

HARVEY
How do you know I wasn't wanted? Who told you that?

MICHAEL
Father did.

HARVEY
Bull.

MICHAEL
Great...now you're trying to resist the truth.

HARVEY
Like hell I am. I just don't believe you, that's all.

MICHAEL
You mean you don't want to believe me.

HARVEY
And just when did father tell you all this?

MICHAEL
Long ago. The same day he told me the gruesome truth about mother.

(PAUSE)

You were an accident...a biological fluke, the sperm cell that lived through the vasectomy. You see, when you were born, father was physically unable to reproduce.

HARVEY
What do you mean?

MICHAEL
I mean you're not your father's son. Somebody else knocked the old lady up.

HARVEY
No...

MICHAEL
Yes. Technically we're only half brothers.

(KINDLY, SOFTLY) Harv, I didn't want to tell you this...but you forced my hand. Please...don't take it personally.

HARVEY
(SULLEN, RESIGNED) At least everything's out in the open now.

MICHAEL
Everything isn't out in the open.

HARVEY
It isn't?

MICHAEL
No, it isn't. There's one more thing.

HARVEY
What's that?

MICHAEL
Well, when I said that you weren't wanted, I meant that you weren't wanted.

(PAUSE)

Father really didn't mind, but mother...well, that was a different story altogether. After I was born, she absolutely refused to have another child. That's why she insisted that dad have himself fixed in the first place.

(PAUSE)

But unfortunately for her, all of her other lovers weren't sterile like papa was, so she managed to get herself pregnant again.

(PAUSE)

Well, this was all back in the dark ages...so mommy couldn't just run down to the nearest clinic and get herself an abortion. But she tried. There were other places that did that kind of thing, you see. So she went to some back alley quack with a coat hanger.

(PAUSE)

She chickened out, though. At the last minute she chickened out...just couldn't go through with it.

(PAUSE)

And that's how you were born, little brother. You were brought into this world because mama didn't have the guts to go through with an abortion.

(A LONG SILENCE FOLLOWS)

HARVEY
(FIGHTING BACK TEARS) Okay,

(PAUSE)

Damit. It's always been at the back of my mind, you know...that perhaps...that just maybe I wasn't wanted. I've always felt like an...intruder. That I really didn't belong...though nobody ever came right out and said it.

(PAUSE; HE SIGHS)

But it was father who made me feel that way. He paid so much attention to you.

(A LONG PAUSE)

And just how are we going to kill her?

MICHAEL
I thought you had misgivings about exterminating the good woman who gave unto you the breath of life.

HARVEY
That was before I knew the truth. How, Michael?

MICHAEL
I haven't decided yet. I just know that we'll have to do it in such a way so as to not arouse any suspicions. It'll have to look like an accident or a suicide.

HARVEY
How can we do that?

MICHAEL
I don't know.

HARVEY
You're a master planner.

MICHAEL
I'll think of something. The important thing is that we're together on this think...right?

HARVEY
Right.

MICHAEL
And for God's sake, Harv, don't mention this to anyone. All right?

HARVEY
Christ Michael, I'm not that dumb.

(SILENCE)

MICHAEL
Well...I'm gonna take a leak and then go to bed. We've got a funeral to go to in the morning. You ready for bed?

HARVEY
(LOST IN THOUGHT) No, no...you go ahead. I think I'll sit up for a bit.

MICHAEL
All right. See you in the morning.

HARVEY
Yeah. Good night.

(MICHAEL EXITS; HARVEY, NOW ALONE, GOES OVER TO THE BAR, POURS HIMSELF A DRINK, THEN SITS ON ONE OF THE BARSTOOLS; MICHAEL HAS LEFT HIS CIGARETTES ON THE BAR, HARVEY TAKES ONE OUT OF THE PACK, LOOKS AT IT RUEFULLY, THEN PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH AND LIGHTS IT)

HARVEY
I don't smoke...remember?

(HE STARTS TO CRY) God. An abortion...an abortion.

C U R T A I N

ACT TWO: SCENE ONE

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