Will and Testament
by Jim Farrar (1977)
I, Everett T. McKinsey III, in the wake of my eighty-second birthday, do will and bequeath the following items to the following individuals:
To my younger brother Fred, thirteen years my junior, I do will my collection of baseball cards and autographed balls without reservation. I know Fred will be overjoyed at learning this because he has always had his eye on them and has wanted them ever since we were kids. Also to Fred, who boasted that “he was going to clean up Wall Street someday,” my copy of A Profitable Career in Garbage and Janitorial Service is his upon my death.
To Gene, my grandson who said he enjoyed watching my stocks grow for my sake. I give my subscription to the Wall Street Journal without hesitation or after thought. He can now watch my former stocks grow for eternity.
To Mark, Fred’s boy, I give my two-speed all-electric wheelchair. Mark has always said that he was going to travel around the country after my death; I’m very happy that I have now given him the means to do so.
To Lily, yes Lily, my lovely ex-wife, I give to you my dear, exactly what you have given me nothing. I feel it to be a proper gift for a woman who occupies as much space in my heart.
To my sister, Gina, who has always looked upon me as her favorite brother, whom she wanted to keep for all time, I leave to her the 8' by 10' portrait of me which now hangs above the mantle in the recreation room. Now Gina you can keep me for all time.
To Lou my loyal friend who asked me to remember him after my demise, I leave my priceless collection of foreign tennis balls. Lou, you too are now remembered.
That about covers all that I wish to give. The rest of my property will be used to pay off miscellaneous bills, funeral costs, and mortgages etc.
You, of course, may be wondering what happens to my enormous capital fortune. I assure you that it has been taken care of. You see, I , Everett T McKinsey III, being of sound mind and body, spent every last cent of it!